Michael Nobbs

Letting myself get used to where I am

A view of an early-morning drawing setup on a bed covered in a colourful crocheted blanket. A large open sketchbook shows a drawing of a tea tray, with a mug, a jug, a tea strainer and a chicken-patterned cloth rendered in black line and blocks of blue, turquoise, grey and deep pink Neocolor II. The left-hand page includes handwritten notes about finding comfort in the familiar and the date 1-10-26. Above the sketchbook is the real tea tray, holding a bright green teapot and the mug, tea strainer and striped earthenware jug from the drawing. Drawing tools, including some Neocolor II crayons, a short yellow pencil and a purple fountain pen, are also lying in view on the tray.
Close-up of an open sketchbook on a bed covered in a crocheted blanket, showing an early-morning drawing of a tea tray. The right-hand page contains line drawings of a mug, a jug and a tea strainer among areas of blue, turquoise, grey and deep pink Neocolor II. A chicken-patterned tray cloth is drawn beneath the objects. On the left-hand page, handwritten text begins “5:10am” and reflects on finding comfort in the familiar after a period of stretching himself creatively. We can see pens and pencils on one corner of the actual tea tray from the drawing, just visible above the sketchbook.

This morning I found myself returning to drawing my tea tray again.

I wrote:

Finding comfort in the familiar. I’ve been stretching myself recently. It’s time to stop that for a while and let myself get used to where I am.

I suspect the biggest stretch last month wouldn’t look like much of a stretch at all to someone looking in: a gentle half-hour chat over Zoom with an artist and educator I admire. But the anticipation of the conversation had left me in a state of anxiety from the moment I arranged it.

In the end — as the me underneath the anxiety knew it would be — the conversation was very good. Useful, encouraging, and something I think is going to become an important monthly part of my creative life.

The anxiety beforehand was another matter.

I’ve recently started using an app called FatigueSense that gives me an allowance of energy points for each day. I usually begin with somewhere around 60. By the time yesterday’s conversation was over, I had eight left, and I was down to zero soon after.

That feels like quite a clear measure of what anticipation and anxiety can cost me, even when the thing I’m anxious about turns out to be good.

So this morning it felt important to return to something familiar: the tea tray, the chicken-patterned cloth, the things that are around me every day. Drawing first with the stub of a Blackwing 3, and then reaching for some well-used Neocolor IIs.

I need plenty more mornings like this in October while I get used to the place all my recent stretching has left me.

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